A Real Down Day

I don't know why but today I feel so out of it. My heart feels heavy. I feel I don't belong anywhere. I have days like this but this is the first time in a while. I feel so depressed and I feel such a weight that I don't want to feel. I want to stop feeling. I want to NOT be here. I want to stop thinking. I want to give up and disappear. I want to stop my life. Right now. At this moment. I really do not want to go on.

What's stopping me from leaving? My dogs and cats. What would happen to them if I am not here to care for them? I can't bear the thought of having them put in a shelter and separated.

What of my family? They'll go on with their lives after a brief pause to "mourn" me but it won't change the paths of their lives. Life goes on. I just don't want my life to go on. I've had enough of it. I've done some things I never thought I could do. I've had friends. I've had good times. I've had love.

I'm just tired of being. I'm tired of life. I no longer dream. I no longer see a future for me in this world. I don't WANT to be in this world. I have no desire to be a part of it. There is nothing I want in this world except to have my dogs and cats live a long, safe, happy life. It is just so hard to wait until I am free to let go.

Free to let go. That's what I want.